A Night of Ham Sandwiches and Contemplations
by Baby Kitty
Summary: Tommy and Hayley take a much needed break from life, common sense, the 'just say no' motto, and, well, good ideas. complete


Disclaimer - I don't own anything.

Author's Notes - I have NO idea what I was thinking and honestly no I was not stoned while writing this though many of you may think so. It's strictly for amusement any comments about how dare I write Hayley or Tom doing what they're doing will incur squirrelly wrath and death…hehe squirrelly wrath..okay maybe I'm a smidge drunk, but not stoned!

Summary - This is such a crack fic…almost literally. It's strictly for laughs.

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A Night of Ham Sandwiches and Contemplations

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"So I said no you can't take that apart, but you know what she did, she took it apart anyways."

Giggling in a manner completely unbefitting to her, Hayley looked to her still talking, hanging off the couch upside down friend, before passing him one of the 'cigarettes' they had found from their old college days when going through boxes that afternoon. "I'm right here you know."

Raising a brow and looking at the woman beside him, Tommy nodded slowly the blood rushing to his head thanks to his position. "And so am I…hey, hey, hey." Poking her in the arm until she acknowledged him again, he continued in 'deep thought'. "If you're here, and I'm here, does that mean we're like….here." Suddenly frowning as that didn't seem right, he tried again. "Here...what is here anyways? It's like here for us, but there for someone else. So are we here or are we technically there? Oh man did you realize that there is just here with a t in front of it! Dude we so have to write that down."

"I am not a dude Tommy." Hayley stated with as much indignity as she could muster. "And we don't have a pencil with which to write that down with…which…to…did I already say that? Wait, why do we need a pencil again?"

"What?" Tommy asked having heard very little of what his female friend had just said.

Giggling once more, Hayley took another drag of their find, before blowing the smoke in careful rings in her friend's face. "You are so stoooned."

Snorting out a laugh himself as he fell off the couch and landed in a heap beside her, Tommy shook his head in denial. "Na uh, you are…wait you're not stone…and neither am I! That would be pretty awesome though. We'd be all like 'stone power!' and then nothing could touch us…except rock which covers stone."

"That's paper." Hayley corrected.

"What's paper?" Tommy questioned curiously.

"Trees?" Hayley questioned back uncertain where this conversation had started and how it got to tress.

"Trees are awesome." Tommy agreed laying his head on Hayley's lap and taking a drag himself. "Know what else is awesome, the kids. Kids are awesome."

"Yeah. Hey we should have kids!"

Seeming to ponder this, Tommy finally shook his head against her lap. "I don't think that's a good idea. I kind of drop things and I think a kid would be harder to glue back together than a coffee cup. Oh also I'm kinda gay so ya know."

"You're gay?" Scoffing, Hayley wasn't buying it. "You are not gay, you had sex with all the Pink Rangers."

"Did not, only two." Holding up two fingers, Tommy suddenly paused to stare at them in fascination. "Hey look it's a peace sign. Ew or if you turn it around it means fuck you in the UK. I learned that from Spike on Buffy."

"Since when do you watch Buffy?" The red head questioned curiously.

"I don't, Conner does, he left the DVD set here a few weeks ago and I happened to catch an episode or twenty."

Laughing and accidentally snorting as she did, Hayley moved to reach for a fresh 'cigarette' from the coffee table. "You are so gay."

"Hey wanna go outside and-" Suddenly stopping as the doorbell rang, Tommy sat up quickly looking around. "Hey did you hear that? It was all like buzzy in here for a minute." As it was rung again, the Black Ranger shook his head. "There it is again!"

"It's the doorbell dip stick. It does that when you have people." Suddenly realizing what she'd said, Hayley covered her mouth in shock. "Oh shit we have people! You said there'd be no people tonight! What are we gonna do? What if it's the cops?"

"It's not the cops." Tommy said in exasperation, but after a moment seemed to reconsider it. "Shit." As the doorbell was rung again he got up unsteadily and padded over to it, Hayley following. "Shhh just maintain and all will be well." He whispered in a loud enough voice to be heard four states over. Clearing his throat he spoke through the heavy door. "Who is it?"

"Um it's us Dr. O. We know you said we had the night off, but we thought maybe you'd wanna watch some movies with us." Conner said from the other side, voice highly uncertain and weirded out.

"Oh shit it's the kids!" Grabbing Tommy's arm, Hayley pulled in panic. "What are we gonna do? They can't see us like this. You are so totally gone."

"I'm gone?" Tommy asked giving her a look. "Look in the mirror sister you are way gone…gone, hehe that's such a weird word. G-ooo-n-e."

"Um Dr. O?" Kira questioned from outside.

Scrubbing his face and leaving his gone contemplation alone for the moment, Tommy tried to pull it together. "Um yeah what do you need?"

"Uh…to watch movies with you like we said two seconds ago?" Conner responded uneasily. "Dr. O are you and Hayley okay? You guys don't sound okay."

Covering her mouth to keep from giggling again Hayley was apparently gone. "You're so forgetful you forgot they asked you to watch movies two seconds ago. We should get you a ham sandwich so you can remember things."

Squinting his eyes at this, Tommy finally nodded slowly. "I do like ham. Do you think we have anymore ham in the fridge?"

"I think we ate it all with the pudding pops earlier. Dude I could so go for another pudding pop."

"Me too." Tommy agreed, jumping back in startlment as a loud knock came from the other side of the door. "Shit we're busted! Wait, wait shhh just maintain. Um who is it?" He asked once more.

"……Us Dr. O! I think you should let us in." Conner said becoming very worried now.

"Hey dude that's so weird you were just here like two seconds ago!" Tommy exclaimed as both he and Hayley awed over the coincidence of it all.

"Okay we're coming in." Kira stated, turning the knob.

"No you can't!" Hayley screamed slamming herself against the door. "We're um..um…having sex! Yes, sex dirty bad sex. You all need to go far far away."

"But I'm gay." Tommy said in a duh manner to her exclamation.

"Fine we're having gay sex, whatever." Hayley corrected with an eyeroll.

After a moment of hushed mutterings and arguing on the outside of the door Conner's voice finally came back. "Okay we're now very worried but also weirded out enough to just accept this and go away. So yeah, we'll see you both tomorrow then and never speak of this night again. Ever."

"Okay then bye!" Tommy called listening to them leave before sliding down against the door to sit on the floor. "Wow that was close."

"I'll say, just think about how embarrassing it would be if they found out what we were doing." Hayley agreed.

"Yep…you know I could so go for a ham sandwich right now."

The End

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Remember squirrely wrath!


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